Before I delve into my most recent battle with that little bitch inside my head that tells me to worry about everything (I’m talking about you Annie), I would just like to make a quick clarification about an error in a previous post. In my post “Fear”, I made a statement where I claimed that I had Social Anxiety Disorder…and according to a recent later from the Talk Leicester peeps (the ones mentioned in “The Villainy of the Waiting List”), this is not the case. My diagnosis seems to fall into the Generalised Anxiety Disorder category (pfft pretty ironic don’t ya think, ya idiot). Now, as previously stated the two do have some similar character traits, and in hindsight if I had seen me as I am today back then, I would have realised that I was mistaken (not half).
So, lets dive nose deep into the shit creek I’ve been paddling up this past couple of weeks. As a strong (you can’t lift shit), sophisticated (you’re wearing a Primany top Princess) and independent (I’m not even gonna bother here) woman, I have had time to embrace life as a single Pringle. I’ve had opportunities to experience new places, meet new people and gain a few pounds in the process (and I’m not talking about currency). Whilst this has all been lovely (okay maybe not the extra weight situation but you get the picture), it has come at a price. If I had paid any attention to Beyoncé growing up, I may have seen my singleness as a way to strut myself into being a confident, hip shaking lass who couldn’t care less about what you thought about her. HOWEVER, I was always more of a Gaga gal who relished in being a little bit weird (and a hella lot of gay), so I’m not like Queen B.
Since meeting new people, I have been bombarded by a cacophony of demonic voices in my head telling me that I’m not good enough (s/o to fellow Katya fans). No matter how hard I’ve tried to conceal my anxiety into a nice champagne bottle, those worries and stresses have come bubbling up to the point of bursting. Most days, my brain is restless and this has not only affected my mental health, but my physical health. My once blissful (antidepressant-inducing) sleep, has been plagued by chaotic dreams and most mornings I am so knackered that I haven’t found the motivation to much at all. The stress in my body has triggered my eczema (so fit babe), I have lost my appetite and have to force myself to remember to drink water.
Today, my anxiety was at its highest and so, I tried to take a day for self care. I donned my most stylish pair of joggers and went without makeup (still fit). My head was too neurotic to read, so I decided to play video games, watch Queer Eye and even write this very post. Nothing I did could soothe me. For the most part, I try to not swamp my friends with all of my worries, but I know that they are there for me regardless. I turned to a couple of friends that I knew would be able to give me some advice, and lo and behold, they were brilliant. As soon as I fleshed out my problems to them, they were there to listen and relieve some of the stress.
If every experience is a meaningful experience that we can learn from, I will be able to say this about my anxiety – as long as I have my cracking team of Jess enthusiasts behind me, I will win (suck on that Annie).
If you are struggling with your mental health and don’t know where to go, please visit my Help page where you will find phone numbers and links to helplines across the globe.
Featured Image Credit 📷: Carl Raw