Please be aware that the following post contains references to self-harm, for information on where you can get help, please head over to the Help page.
Last year, I celebrated one year of being clean with a post, in which I detailed my history and struggle with self-harm (link). I won’t say that last year’s post means less than today’s, because anyone who manages to even go one day without hurting themselves, deserves ample praise. However, given that 2020 was…well, 2020, I believe that this year’s praise feels different.
One Year On From Self-Harm
After my first year clean, I thought that the road to recovery would be smooth sailing. I had just passed the first hurdle – right? My second year was going to be a year of rejuvenated health both in body and mind. I thought I would go about my daily life never thinking about harming myself. A razor blade would just be a tool to shave my legs and not a weapon against myself.
My dear reader, I was mistaken.
Two Years On
Whilst I did notice that my overall mood had changed, the urge never left me completely. Despite the chaos and weariness of 2020, I know I have been stronger. Yet, on my darkest days, I still felt the pull to punish myself for being weak and to chastise myself for being a bad person. A week ago, I sat in my bedroom, crying. I tried desperately to not pick up a razor blade. I am clean, but not fully healed.
Fear not, dear reader! The world has not yet ended. Whilst my fight against the demons in my head still rages, the war will be won! I have learnt that progress does not happen overnight, or even in a year. I will keep going, for I know that I am better than that, and I am learning to love myself more and more each day.
If there is anything I wish for you to take away from this post, reader, is that you are always worth fighting for.
If you live in the UK, and need urgent care for self-harm injuries or mental health, please follow this link